Elephant Ears

This blog is dedicated to the political happenings in the Valley and Southwest Virginia. As the the name implies, this blog will have posts based on what is heard by this elephant's (GOPer's) ears. It is also a great treat to get while at the county fair or a carnival.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

President Bush Fundraiser

So is anyone going to the "intimate" reception Ed Gillespie is having at his home in Alexandria for George Allen with President Bush as the special guest?

Its only $1500/person.


  • At 8/13/2006 1:15 PM, Blogger Dubya said…

    Here are some ideas I've come up with to deal with some of the issues that keep coming up!

    ON ISRAEL/LEBANON CONFLICT: "What they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it's over!"

    ON STARVATION IN SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA: "What them African babies need to do is wipe the blowflies out of their eyes and start cracking open some cans of Campbell's Chunky and shit and then they're full!"

    ON POVERTY: "What somebody's gotta do is get poor folks to get better brokers and invest heavily in sure-thing stocks and it's over!"

    ON BIRTH DEFECTS: "What doctors need to do is tell fetuses to stop sprouting extra arms and flippers and shit out of their faces, and then it's over!"

    ON WILD FIRES: "What they gotta do is invent flame-retarded trees and shrubs and grass and shit so they stop catching fire all the time and it's over!"

    ON CLIMATE CHANGE: "What should happen is they put a whole bunch of giant air conditioners around the glaciers and cool that shit down and then it's over!"

    ON A.I.D.S.: "What folks gotta do is practice abstinence-only when it comes to poking monkey cornhole and stop sitting on AIDS-encrusted toilet seats and then not get sick and that shit is over!"

    ON DEALING WITH AL QAEDA: "What them evildoers gotta do is start standing still so when we shoot 'em they're dead 'n' shit."

    ON MALARIA: "What they need to do is pick up a whole mess of Deep Woods Off® down at Costco to stop them shitbird skeeters from biting and it's over!"

    ON UNEMPLOYMENT: "What people need to do is change their names so they're the same as their smart and well-connected daddies, and then say 'yes' when folks throw jobs at them, and then that unemployment shit is over!"

    ON ACID RAIN: "What they gotta do is tell those San Fagcisco hippies how nobody wants their lousy LSD mixed up with the rain and then it's over!"

    ON THE TRADE DEFICIT: "What needs to happen is folks shopping at Wal-Mart gotta buy more cheap plastic shit that's made by American Mexicans instead of Chineses and then it's over!"

    ON NORTH KOREA'S NUCLEAR PROGRAM: "What they gotta do is get China to get Kim Jong Il to stop being such an annoying little pygmy motherfucker and shit and it's over!"

    ON CONTAMINATED WATER: "What everyone has to do is sign up for a nice, clean Poland Springs water cooler and then they deliver it right to your house and that shit-in-the-water problem is over!"

  • At 8/13/2006 6:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush is encouraging members of Congress not to delay in their efforts to improve the fortunes of some of the worst suffering Americans: those devastated by the estate tax. Mr. Bush said that repealing the tax could aid tens, even dozens of Americans.

    A tour of devastated estates planned
    President Bush plans to visit Bridgehampton, NY, Aspen, CO and Rancho Santa Fe, CA later this week, where he will tour the mansions of some of the Americans hardest hit by the tax. Aides to the President say that he will first survey the properties from the air in an effort to assess the impact of the estate tax on landscaping, pool maintenance and fleets of cars.

    The death tax earns its name
    While the surcharge on wealth is formally know as the “estate tax,” over time it has come to be known as the “death tax” due to its devastating impact on the nation’s wealthy. “These are people who have been forced to choose between unbelievably expensive works of art and other unbelievably expensive works of art,” explained one source close to the White House. “In the President’s view, no one should have to do without the necessities of life.”

    A point man appointed
    In a sign of just how serious Mr. Bush is about helping victims of the tax, he has tapped former FEMA head Michael Brown to liaise with those most in need of help: the wealthiest 2% of Americans. Mr. Brown, known as “Brownie,” will join Mr. Bush on the tour of mansions and other properties upon which the estate tax has rained down wrath. “He’s the right person for the job,” said one source close to Mr. Brown. “He feels the pain of these people and he wants to make sure that they get what they need ASAP.”

    On the ground, fois gras and veuve clicquot
    Air Force One will be accompanied by cargo planes loaded with emergency supplies for the mansion occupants. On its way: individual servings of fois gras, chilled veuve clicquot with champagne flutes and an allotment of truffles for residents who have gone without them for as many as two days.

    From Arabian horses to the horsey set
    Mr. Brown’s admirers say that the former rules enforcer of the Arabian horse association should do well in his new position as the Arabian horse is popular among the wealthiest Americans. Experts say that Mr. Brown will also encounter some similarities between the horses he once oversaw and their owners to whose rescue he will soon be coming. Both are prized for their gleaming coats and endurance but have suffered mentally as a result of generations of inbreeding.

  • At 8/13/2006 6:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    WASHINGTON, DC—They do the jobs that Americans by and large refuse to do: hairstylist, flower arranger, bathhouse attendant. But if President Bush gets his way, an amendment to the Constitution known as the Marriage and Border Protection Amendment will soon bar gay aliens from penetrating the nation's borders and undermining our most sacred institution: legal heterosexual marriage.

    Related Stories
    • Iraqi Constitution Snags on Gay Marriage
    • Man Sues After Being Implanted with Gay Stem Cells
    • American Family Association Boycotting Ford over Gay Cars, Trucks

    Each day, thousands of gay migrants—many of them couples—make their way across the border towards the nation's homosexual hotspots: Los Angeles, CA, Colorado Springs, CO, Boise, ID and Omaha, NE, lured by the promise of lucrative jobs in the home-decorating industry.

    'Tough but firm'
    By making his 'tough but firm' announcement yesterday, say observers, Mr. Bush sent a strong signal to homosexual migrants that they should think twice before crossing the border in hopes of undermining the traditional American family.

    Dos novios
    Enrique Ochoa and his partner Jim Hernandez, who met three years ago through an online Mexican gay dating site, traveled all the way from Acapulco in order to cross the border and marry, drawn north by rumors that millions of gay migrants living in America will soon be able to say 'si acepto' or 'I do.' And while they wait for the judicial fiat that will enable them to live as novio y novio, Enrique and Jim say that they're keeping busy with scrapbooking, weekend antiquing trips and running their flower-arranging business: Floras Fabulosas. "In Mexico, we have an expression: "solo el activista juez tiene el poder." says Mr. Ochoa. "Only the activist judge can set you free."

    Calls for an impenetrable border
    The tales of gay migrants like Enrique and Jim are enough to send chills down the spine of Sandy Slokum, executive director of Defend Our Marriages and Borders, an Arlington, VA advocacy group that wants to erect a 2000-mile long fence between the US and Mexico in order to protect legally-married Americans. "The need for the Marriage and Border Protection Amendment has never been more obvious," says Mrs. Slokum, who recently returned from a two-week trip to the US/Mexican border in order to witness first hand the nightly spectacle of gay migrants entering into the country in order to marry, many of them armed with small dogs, including Bichons Frise, Malteses and Coton de Tulears.

    "All over this great nation of ours you have legally-married couples who are cowering in fear right now wondering if their marriages are going to be made meaningless because some activist judge decides that it's ok for gay migrants to marry," warns Mrs. Slokum. She points to research showing that children raised by two gay parents are far more likely to speak Spanish than those raised by a mother and a father.

    Avoiding the 'Three-Minute Men'
    Meanwhile, the border crossings for gay migrants are becoming ever more dangerous. The latest threat to pop up: a band of roving man-hunters known as the Three-Minute Men who troll the border in search of quickie encounters. "It's really a tragic situation," says Sister Josefina Margolis-Ruiz, executive director of the pro-gay migrant marriage group Somos Todas Mariconas. "These are exactly the type of encounters that gay migrants are hoping to put behind them by marrying once they cross over into the United States."

  • At 8/13/2006 6:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    New 'Anti-Abortion Pill' Kills Mother, Leaves Fetus Alive
    August 13, 2006 | Issue 42•19

    NEW YORK—Pro-life advocates celebrated approval of the new anti-abortion drug UR-86 by the Food and Drug Administration Tuesday, calling it a "safe and effective method" for terminating pregnant women while leaving their unborn children unharmed.

    A doctor explains to an expectant mother how her organs will slowly dissolve with the new pill.
    Pfizer, manufacturer of UR-86—dubbed the "last-morning-ever pill"—said the drug is intended only for occasions when the mind-set or politics of the mother threaten the life of the fetus.

    "This drug is designed for extreme cases in which the mother cannot or should not be saved, or when her health has been placed before that of her unborn child," Pfizer spokesman Anthony Wright said.

    The orally ingested drug first tests for the presence of a fetus. If the outcome is positive, a near-lethal dose of barbiturates is released, which induces a coma in the expectant mother until the child is born, at which point a second, fatal dose is released.

    The FDA's approval came after months of clinical trials firmly established that the fetus would be nourished and protected in the womb of the near-deceased UR-86 user.

    Gender-equality advocates praised the introduction of the drug, calling it an "innovative solution" to the highly polarizing national abortion debate.

    "This is a step forward for equality," men's rights activist Charles Hackett said. "For too long, women have had an unfair advantage in the outcome of a pregnancy. UR-86 levels the playing field for husbands and boyfriends across America."

    Pro-life advocates, many of whom had petitioned the FDA to approve UR-86 while the drug was still in the research-and-development stage, also reacted warmly to the FDA's decision. Randall Terry, founder of Operation Rescue, praised the new pharmaceutical for its potential use in cases of rape and incest, saying it could help end the shame and humiliation of such trauma while saving the life of the fetus.

    "Victims of sexual assault can feel trapped, like they've got nowhere to turn," Terry said. "Now, they can solve their deep, internal problems once and for all, without unfairly condemning their children."

    Yet critics say UR-86's prescription-only status and the fact that most health insurance plans do not cover the drug limit its effectiveness, as it is not available to those who need it most.

    "If people can't afford the drug or get it prescribed on short notice, they're not going to have enough time to act, especially when their wives want to end the pregnancy fast," men's issues commentator Stan Dynes said. "UR-86 should be made available over the counter as soon as possible. It's the husband's right to choose if this drug is right for him, and neither the government nor the medical elite should get in the way of that decision."

    Pfizer trials showed that UR-86 can do nothing for the fetus if an abortion procedure is performed. "If the mother is administered the pill the morning after an abortion, the fetus cannot be revived because it won't be there," Pfizer's Wright said. "It will still terminate the mother, though."

    Conversely, some lawmakers are uneasy with the concept of ready access to the anti-abortion pill.

    Tuesday night, South Dakota legislators introduced a bill to impose a five-day waiting period for teenage girls and women before they can buy the pill, claiming its use does not adequately safeguard the lifestyle of the father, the laundry of the father, or the favorite meals of the father. The legislators cited Pfizer's own published list of side effects of UR-86, which include domestic messiness, already-born-child neglect, and inadequate stocking of the fridge.

    Still, Pfizer anticipates not only that the drug will be popular with husbands, but also that, once available over the counter, UR-86 will likely find a large consumer base in mothers-in-law, downstairs neighbors, and extramarital lovers.

  • At 8/13/2006 11:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Nice job hokie,
    this is your best effort to date.
    thanK You

  • At 8/14/2006 7:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I agree with 12:46am.

    This is some biting satire. I am surprised that you have put this on your site, but I am also impressed that you're willing to poke at your guy. That is rare, and admirable.

  • At 8/15/2006 7:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    When are you going to weigh in and make excuses, oops I meant to say justify, oops what I really meant was defend your candidate Allen against, well... What he said?

  • At 8/15/2006 8:43 PM, Blogger GOPHokie said…

    Sorry, I just moved into my apartment.
    I will try to have something up tomorrow if we get everything done.


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